Hulk Hogan is Back, WWE Roster Immediately Offended

Listen up all my little non-gender-specific-sters...

On the kick off show for the WWE pay-per-view Extreme Rules, it was announced that Hulk Hogan was backstage and had already been mingling with the talent. WWE also announced that Hogan was being put back into the WWE Hall of Fame and that his return to TV is imminent. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until Hogan opened his yap. 

Upon arrival backstage, Hogan addressed the roster and immediately put his size 17 wrestling boot in his mouth. Having not been privy to pop culture for the last three years, Hogan opened with some benign remarks, unless you’re a woman, a black person, or any member of the LGBTQ. “Well brothers, it’s been a long time, and I’m sorry…” 

This brought ire from Nia Jaz. She responded immediately and said, “Excuse me, Mr. Hogan, but many of us are NOT in fact males, NOT all black people are brothers, and some of us are currently transitioning. As a one-percenter, I wouldn’t expect you to know that.” 

Hogan was taken aback. “Transitioning? From what, mid-carders into main eventers? Not while I’m here. Nobody gets elevated as long as I’m on the roster.” 

Jax responded again, “No not quite. Transitioning into other sexes.” 

Hogan retorted, “I wouldn’t recommend that, brother. I transitioned sexes from Linda into Bubba’s wife and that didn’t do me any favors. Men should just have sex with one woman. I learned that the hard way.” 

This offered Finn Balor a chance to speak up. “Mr. Hogan, with all due respect, why do men necessarily have to have sex with women? Why can’t anyone have sex with anyone? I’m for all people having sex with whomever they want.” 

Hogan responded, “Uh yeah, me too, as long as it’s a man and a woman and they’re married, AND going in the front door. That’s what Jesus wants.” 

Balor was not pleased with the Hulkster’s answer and said, “All doors should be open to all people.” 

To which Hogan said, “I agree, as long as they’re red-blooded Americans.” 

This caused Jinder Mahal to speak up, “Let me inform you Bollywood, I wouldn’t be here if WWE only opened doors for Americans.” 

Hogan seemingly blind-sided by the comment belted out, “Oh jeez look out! Too late! Everyone take cover!” 

Mahal tried to calm down the over-zealous Hulkster, “Terry, I’m not a terrorist. Did you just assume that because I’m wearing a Turbin and practicing yoga that I’m not American? Well… I’m not. I’m Canadian. So watch your words or I’ll show you what I’m all aboot!” 

Sheamus, who surprisingly was backstage at the pay-per-view, jumped in on behalf of the Hulkster. “I agree with Terry. Only the whitest of the white should be allowed to make their home in the United States… As long as they believe in the Catholic god.” 

In full defensive mode, Hogan back peddled, “Well now Sheamus don’t take my words out of context. I’m happy to allow all sects of Christianity in, just not the Mormons.” 

Since no one ever defends the Mormons, the conversation ended, and everyone pretended like that conversation never happened.

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