WCW Nitro 70 - This Joke has Ran its Course... Now on to 7th Heaven

Super Sneak "QT" has made his way back into the booking meeting with Ricky Bischoff and company... 

Nitro 70 – January 13, 1997: Unwatchable!

Eric Bischoff: Ok, so we will start with Macho in the ring. We haven’t seen him in months so everyone will be confused. Don’t worry though; we’ll give him a mic. 

Mike Tenay: So Macho will explain what’s going on? 

EB: No. He will just sit there and then beat up Chavo for no reason. Oh, and then he’ll beat up some big guy from the Dungeon of Doom. 

MT: Eric, we aren’t doing the Dungeon of Doom anymore. 

EB: Shut up Tenay. Then we’ll have Sting come in and get in Macho’s face. Then Sting will turn his back and then walk away.  

MT: What are we building too exactly?  

EB: Ya know, we’re building heat. We can decide those details later. Then we’ll have Jericho over Wright. Give those vanilla midgets three minutes, so we can get to Arn and Mongo vs. the random team of Eddie Guerrero and Jeff Jarrett. But before that, we have a hot angle coming up with Bob Probert of the Chicago Blackhawks and Rick Flair.  

MT: So Probert will be there? That’s a big “get” Eric. Well done. 

EB: Actually, no. Probert will be in Buffalo tonight, but he can make some sort of veiled threat at nobody specific for next time. 

MT: Or we could NOT do the promo tonight? 

EB: That’s enough out of you Mike… So we have that tag match, then we will have the Horsemen stammer randomly about something going on with them, but not give any real direction. Just make sure we let Debra speak over the bumper music with some sort of insult that pertains to nothing.  

MT: That seems like a bad idea. 

EB: Ok, Tenay, last chance… Then, the best part, ME doing a promo about the nWo. I’ll be on a motorcycle and Liz will be videotaping. 

MT: Sorry, Mr. Bischoff, but I must ask, will you be wrestling somebody at some point?  

EB: Uh, duh! Vince McMahon!   

MT: Then why are you talking about Macho Man so much? Are we supposed to think you’re banging Liz?  

EB: Yes. Back to the ring... Malenkov vs. Ultimo Guerrero… Whatever. Just be sure we let Zbysko know to make a bunch of weak puns about the nWo and not talk about the match.  

Editors Note: Then the WWE network froze… 

Since I can’t get the WWE Network to play this episode any further, I’ll just review the horrible TV show that I used to watch before Raw and Nitro on Mondays… It happened to be on when I shut down my Xbox. 

7th Heaven – Hungry

Season 9 – Episode 19 (5/2/05)

This show is terrible. I wish I had every hour of my life back that I spent watching this tripe.  

Here’s the literal exact summary of this episode as it appeared on my cable box: “After being humiliated by Vincent’s new flame (Ashley Benson), Ruthie finds Martin’s girlfriend lying on the floor of the school bathroom while. Meanwhile, an amorous Kevin is frustrated by Lucy’s obsession with Savannah…” Eight fucking characters are mentioned, and only two are goddam Camdens and there is an obvious typo nobody bothered to proofread at the cable company.

So I tuned in about 20 minutes into the episode and watched exactly one segment, and it’s such an abortion I can’t even imagine who greenlit this… Oh wait, sadly I know exactly who did, and her name is Brenda Hampton, the executive producer. I didn’t even have to IMDB that.  

Nine minutes in, and I haven’t seen a Camden kid. Finally, Matt shows up in New York randomly to discuss something with Mary’s husband Carlos. They are getting a divorce, I guess because Jessica Biel bailed on the series in 2003 to star in such blockbuster movies as Summer Catch and Blade: Trinity. Spoiler Alert: I guess they never go through with the divorce since in the series finale Mary does a cameo as Mary Rivera, so she either didn’t get the divorce or is too lazy to go to the DMV to get her name changed back. Hey, she has a budding career as a flight attendant to protect and I can see how changing your last name could work against you in an industry where people only refer to you as “Ma’am” or “Hun.” 

Smash cut to some blonde nine-year-old that’s not a Camden exiting a movie with some old guy who’s not a Camden parent, or even a recurring character. The kid wants to be adopted by this guy, but here’s the catch, the kid also wants his sister to be adopted too. More to come… 

Back at the Camden house, Sam and David sleepwalk through their lines and complain that Martin is moving out. Well, he’s just moving to the guesthouse across the street, because ya know, Christian pastors embezzle so much money they can afford a guesthouse. The phone rings and some beautiful blonde kid named Vincent and Martin have a conversation about Ruthie. 

Then we see Simon. He has a conversation with some babe about NOT fucking. Seriously. The chick wants to fuck and he’s all like, “Well I can’t because, ya know, Jesus hates recreational orgasms. It’s basically all he talks about in his book. That, and hating gays and minorities. It's almost like a group of rich aristocratic narcissists wrote this book to compel people to remain stupid and follow a bunch of rules that promote bigotry and sexism.”  

Then Matt makes a phone call to the rev, who is sitting at his desk on his computer, presumably exchanging child pornography with Jared from Subway. They yak about Mary and nothing happens. 

Back to the unnamed old dude… He’s on the phone with somebody back selling the storyline about the kid wanting to be adopted, and who should come rolling in, the kid’s big sister. I say rolling because she’s in a wheelchair, and big because she obviously doesn’t have much self-control when it comes to eating. She also has MS, or MD, or ALS, or some shit that us ugly American’s pretended to care about for five seconds while we videotaped ourselves wasting water. “Hey Africa, check this shit out. We have so much extra cold drinking water, we literally pour it over our heads and then mockingly challenge fictional characters to do the same.” 

I also like this bit, “Hey Mexico and other impoverished nations. Listen up. We have so much money, we toss our spare change into a watering hole and pretend magic happens if we think about magic happening at the same time.” Or this, “Hey North Korea. You know those things with four legs you eat because you’re starving to death? Yeah, the dogs. I have two dogs that I only feed organic, non-GMO food, and let sleep in bed with me. In fact, my California King sized bed isn’t big enough for me and the dogs, so I purchased an extra twin bed to butt up against my bed so the dogs can have extra space.” That would be funny if it weren’t also true. Back to the show… It’s very obvious that the man who was thinking about adopting the boy is now having second thoughts because he is clearly getting bamboozled in this deal. “Yeah, I’d like to help this boy out, but not if I also have to help out this diaper wearing retard.”  

Then we see ANOTHER phone conversation between Lucy and her husband Kevin, the cop. My god, could you find a more wooden actor to play Kevin than George Stults? Oh right, they did, when they cast his fucking real-life brother Geoff Stults as well. The fucking boyfriends are far more relevant in this episode than any of the kids. Why did this show fall off the rails? Oh right. The last few seasons should have been called 35th Heaven because the writers were shitting out characters faster than the Duggers.    

Then I couldn’t take anymore so I turned it off and made a bunch of bets on college football on my phone. 

Seriously, 7th Heaven must have been written by the most affluent, non-problem having white people on the planet: The Norwegians. It’s so fucking lily white it makes a Klan meeting look like a scene from Soul Plane. There is literally no drama. None of their problems are actually real. “My girlfriend got light headed because she thinks she’s fat so she skipped lunch. Whoa is me.” Or, “My sister is getting a divorce. Waaaaah!” 

What’s really sad is that I spent about an hour writing this review of only ONE FUCKING SEGMENT of the entire hour-long show.   By the end, I was begging for Tony Schiavone to tell me, “We’re all out of time, the tape machines are rolling…” 

Fucking tape machines. 

What do you want from me?

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