Peter "Quiet Time" Kanter, the invisible reporter, has been known to lurk inside of wrestling locker rooms and get the inside skinny on the biz. The following transcripts are 100% true, accurate, and definitely happened, exactly as he has written. Believe it all. It's funnier that way.
Nitro Episode 43 – July 8, 1996
Eric Bischoff: Ok everyone, gather round. Let's get this over with. I've got karate class to attend... I’ll read the show notes.
Segment 1 is a cold open in the ring with Rey Mysterio. But then... Dean Malenko comes to the ring!!! Wait for the deafening applause to die down. Tony Schiavone and Larry Zybysko please talk nothing about the match in the ring and only speak in hyperbole about the revelation of the 3rd man joining the nWo. Never address the match. Did you get that? Nobody cares what happens in the ring. It's all about backstage segments. We got to push forward and keep people wanting more.
Tony Schiavone: But I think Rey and Malenko will have a pretty good match. You don’t want us to even mention it?
EB: Are you kidding me? We just booked that snoozer to not appear as racist. As soon as that high spot fest is out of the ring, cue the interview with Kevin Sullivan. Ok, Kevin, if you could lose your train of thought about three times, that would be great.
Kevin Sullivan: Eric, should I bring up Benoit banging my wife?
Bischoff: Yes. Use it! Let it really distract you. Trail off a few times too. Ok in segment two we have the Steiners vs. the Nasty Boyz. Someone tell Knobs to stop selling so much. He's making this shit look fake. Scotty, hit that famous Steiner-line a dozen times. Ok, Schiavone, we need you to really stress the importance of the beginning of hour two, and how it's a totally different show than hour one because the "A" announce team takes over... i.e. me and the Brain.
Mike Tenay: Excuse me, Mr. Bischoff? Can I please have a speaking part? I know all the names of the wrestlers and even some of the moves...
Bischoff: Get out of here Tenay. Go back and eat your catering at the kids’ table. We need to really stress how sad it made everyone feel to see Hulk Hogan becoming a bad guy. And if that's not depressing enough, sit a bunch of handicapped geriatrics in the front row. We can really get some sympathy using the brain dead fans. Then shoot off some fireworks.
Brad Siegel: Eric, this is our 12th time shooting off fireworks tonight. Are you sure we're under budget?
EB: Budget? Ha! We're too big to fail! Besides, we’ll make it up selling Hulk Hogan crucifix pendants. That dude loves Jesus. Moving on, this Jim Powers kid is going to be BIG! And if he doesn't get over in six minutes, we can just kick him to the curb and eat his contract. Don't worry. The WCW Power Plant cranks out 5'9" 245lb bodybuilders with long ponytails like rabbit pellets! Nothing could go wrong!
Michael Hayes: Eric, we haven't had a black guy on at all in over an hour.
Bischoff: Relax Mikey, I know you love the African Americans, and we have TWO black guys up next. Sgt. Craig Pittman and the fat-headed Teddy Long.
Hayes: Fat headed?
Bischoff: Yeah, that joke will be funny in 2018.
Dave Sullivan: Who is Pittman working with?
Sullivan: That's good. Benoit can be carried. And it will look like a slave beating.
Bischoff: Teddy, we're going to do a ‘throw in the towel’ angle with you and Pittman.
Teddy Long: Ok, are you going to give me a towel?
Bischoff: No. You have to provide your own towel. We are waaaaaay over budget tonight... Onto Segment five, more fireworks, and then Arn vs. Sting... Ok, this is the big "invaders" angle segment. The final angle... Let's be sure to start by getting a big wide shot of all the goobers in the wheelchairs looking really forlorn... And then cue Sting and Arn to go to the hammerlock... again. Back sell the PPV... and go to commercial... and I'll keep the Brain rambling over the bumper music... After the break, let’s hit that Glacier promo for the 84th time... and bump back in and sell the Disney theme park... Talk about the black limo... speculate on Luger... keep ignoring the match... cue the abdominal stretch... cue the limo... here comes the money, Hall and Nash... We'd better make them dress to stand out from the crowd. We need to make sure that people know they are wrestlers. Put one in a jean vest and the other could have a fanny pack. Oh good, they brought their own jean vest and fanny pack.
Segment six starts with a Sting promo talking about how stupid he was for not seeing the Hogan turn... then just let Macho spew some gibberish with quasi-sexual undertones... "Mean" Gene, you may have to stretch it if we're early... talk about how scared you are of the Outsiders and how terrible it is... Then, in segment seven, calmly interview the two Outsiders as they casually lean on the limo as disinterested theme park fans stroll by…
The WWE Networks then abruptly stops at this point, so that's the end of the show!
- Quiet Time