WCW Nitro Episode 44

Peter "Quiet Time" Kanter, the super sneaky sleuth reporting... I'm not making any of this up. Everything really happened as transcribed below. Believe it all. It's funnier that way.

NITRO 44 - The Outsiders Get Inside Your Head!

ERIC BISCHOFF ADDRESSES THE WRITING TEAM BEFORE THE SHOW...

Eric Bischoff: Ok boys, let's do a better job of not being so racist this week. In segment one, Harlem Heat will be accompanied to the ring by two rich old white people to take on two cowboys... And you're fired. 

Michael Hayes: Who me? (points to himself) 

Bischoff: Yes, you Michael Hayes. Alright, do we have the old handicapped people in the front row this week?

Producer: No. Even better. Kids with leg braces.

Bischoff: And you get a raise! Wait a minute... Who the fuck cleared "Mike Enos" as a name? And who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to team Mike fucking Enos with DICK slater! Should we just call them Team Penis? Shit, forget that. How much is Ric Flair's "VIP table" costing us? We could be using that money on more fireworks! And don't forget to give Kevin Greene two interview segments. Ok in segment two Madusa destroys some poor Asian. Don't worry, it was a contest to see who has a flatter ass... Blah blah blah, big fireworks opening to start hour two, cut to commercial, bump out with Arn being insane, and we're back! Ignore that bullshit match in the ring...The Brain and I are wearing matching red Mickey Mouse shirts!  

LIVE NOTES FROM THE PRODUCTION TRUCK...

Bischoff: And now lets cut to the Outsiders, who should easily have had enough time to cover up the WCW lettering with the spray-painted sheets... FUCK they're only on the W! Jesus that looks stupid. Are we being taken over by the nW? Christ, go to the Meng match... But first, FIREWORKS!

Bischoff: Somebody make sure the Outsiders are drinking. We want them to be cool heels and drinking is cool.

Tony Schiavone: Eric, doesn't Scott Hall have a pretty big drinking problem?

Bischoff: Good question, I'll look into it... now cue the drinks!

Bischoff: And now for segment five, it's a stinker match in the death slot, Benoit vs. Guerrero. Brain, just talk about the nWo. Don't bother to discuss these vanilla midgets. 

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: I just don't buy Benoit as a real bad ass. He doesn't even shave his forearms.

Bischoff: And let's hit that Glacier promo for the 55th time... I love all those ice puns... Now Big Bubba comes to the ring... WCW isn't going anywhere. I don't care what anyone says. Not the Outsiders, not Hogan... we're not gonna die at their hands... it will be my hands... Well, mine and a maniacal sycophant from New York. Who says we don't have good wrestling! Check out the match we have now! BIG BUBBA vs. The TOTAL PACKAGE Lex Luger!

Then some more stupid shit happens and I don't really remember because I was watching hockey. 

- Quiet Time

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