Peter "Quiet Time" Kanter is at it again, lurking in the background of the booking meetings of the top WCW brass. All his words are 100% true, accurate, and reliable, as far as you know...
Booking meeting with Eric Bischoff, Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, Kevin Nash, Kevin Sullivan, and Hulk Hogan and the locker room...
Eric Bischoff: Ok boys, grab a knee. Helmet’s not a chair. We got a lot of good steam coming off last weeks Hogan promo where he babbled for 15 minutes telling the fans to stick it. Hulkster, great stuff man. Ok here’s what we got on the board… In segment one we’ll cold open with Schiavone and Zbysko wearing matching Disney shirts… Tony, you got the shirts”
Tony Schiavone: Yes, and I also brought my family to sit in the front row. They all have matching Winnie the Pooh shirts.
Bischoff: Perfect, we love matching around here… This week instead of handicapped people, can we get some morbidly obese folks across from the hard cam? Brain, that’s your department.
Robert "The Brain" Heenan: I’ve got one guy, real fat sack of crap, I’m talking huge panis, multiple chairs necessary, needs a cane he’s so fat…
Bischoff: What’s the problem?
Brain: There’s only one.
Bischoff: Ok, ok. Let’s think this out here. Can we get a kid with a horrible undercut to wear a Marvin the Martian shirt and constantly give his friend bunny ears?
Brain: Can do, boss.
Bischoff: Alright, so segment one, who gives a shit, we’ll ignore the match between Taylor and Norton. Do a stupid DQ…. Segment two, blah blah blah, Konnan and VK Wallstreet… Somebody go in the prop closet and get Konnan a gay looking S&M mask. We want to make the luchadors look ridiculous. And someone go to my car and get my daughters tutu. He can wear that over his tights. Finally, slap on some Tony Hawk elbow pads. That should kill his cred… Next hit the Glacier live-action promo. I want to see a white guy throwing terrible karate kicks. Let me demonstrate… Finally, the money segment… We need Joe Gomez, the Renegade, Alex Wright and uh, some other guy, preferably named Jim to walk seductively down the beach…
Kevin Nash: Eric, how is that gonna sell any PPVs?
Bischoff: Kev Kev Kev, relax. Here’s the beauty of it. We’ve been hyping up Joe Gomez for weeks. We make him a super hot commodity, then we team him with a bunch of geeks, put him against the Dungeon of Doom B team…. No no no, that could get him over… During the match, we’ll have Giant come out and lay em all out.
Nash: How about if during that match, me and Scotty invade the television truck and just fuck around.
Bischoff: I like it! Segment five or something, we have the horsemen eating at the table and Mean Gene, you’re gonna ask Benoit a question, and Benoit, I want you to say, "I’m the crippler, you’re gonna feel the wrath of the wolverine, silent but deadly." Perfect right?
Chris Benoit: Uh Eric, I keep telling you, if I was really silent but deadly, I wouldn’t keep saying that. Also, it’s a pretty common phrase used in reference to farting.
Bischoff: What if we just put you on Saturday night forever?
Benoit: Sorry, sorry.
Bischoff: Ok, moving on, we have Chavo vs. Malenko… after that snoozer, we get to the meat of the program…
Lex Luger: Eric, who the fuck green lit putting Mongo in the ring? He’s terrible! He makes me look good, and I’m god awful!
Sting: Agreed, you both are horrible.
Randy "Macho Man" Savage: Oooooh yeah, if the Horsemen really did steal my money, why wouldn’t I call the police, or at the very least, why would they keep bringing it to the ring in a briefcase?
Bischoff: Those are all good points… We’ll look into it… Now go out there and cut a promo where you challenge the nWo. Try not to bury them too badly because you’ll all be multiple time members of the group before 2001.